BUYBUYBUYBUY BITTENCOOKIES

1. If this roaring silence on the other end of the line/ the shrinking in your stomach/ the thundering in your head/ the tears you struggle to hold back/ the smile you cannot force ... If this is a heartbreak, I have been a fool for 18 years of my life.

I was in love with the idea of being in love. I wanted a hand to hold, a pair of lips to caress, and a love that consumed. I cared more about that than the insignificant wretches I dated, toyed with, or did not date. When they left, I tried to mourn appropriately, the same way you would struggle to feel at a distant acquaintance's funeral: I desisted from joy, I summoned memories and willed them to stay, I indulged in the sappiest mainstream love songs. But indifference clearly emerged dominant, if I had to struggle to feel.

But now, my emotional barriers have been worn down, and I hastily endeavor to erect them again. If happiness is a fight every single minute of the day, then this exhausting war must be against heartbreak. I finally feel, viscerally, vividly. And although this heartbreak colors my world and widens the perspective, I would give anything to not feel.

How wretched are these feelings.

2.